So I didn’t post for a couple weeks. Yeah I’m sorry about that… some things came up and- well I took a little vacation- and by vacation I mean drinking binge. Maybe I’ll talk about why some day… Things will be back to normal soon. Hopefully TBall will get off his ass and post here soon.

So I was flipping through my latest issue of Softcore Porn for Kids, erm, I mean, Rolling Stones (the new one with Britney on the cover) and while in the Technology section, I stumbled across this little article about the Nokia N-Gage:

Hot Gadget : Multi-tasking ubertoy mixes phone and game

Meet the Swiss Army knife of hand-held gaming systems - the Nokia N-Gage. It doesn’t just play addictive video games such as Virtua Tennis and Tomb Raider, it’s also a top-end global telephone that operates in 170 countries. “Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater rocks, and SonicN really blew me away,” says Nokia spokesman Steven Knuff. “The graphics are incredible.” But what makes N-Gage kick so much ass is that it isn’t just for gaming and phone calls - it uses a 128MB memory card to power an MP3 player, it’s email capable, it playes FM radio, has a built-in speakerphone and can be used for multimedia messaging. Though the N-Gage costs way more than its rivals, the extra coin is worth it since the device exponentially increases your chances of engaging in actual social behavior. - David Malley

“Hey gamers, if you buy this cell phone that plays video games, girls will think you’re cool!” As if the 15-20 age population wasn’t already in a trend-war over who has the coolest cell phone with the most extra features that you’ll never use 2 months after you buy it- you’re basically saying that all gamers are freaking dorks who don’t have a social life, and need to buy a cell phone that plays “addictive video games such as Tomb Raider” to increase our chances of having one- thanks for clearing that one up for us.

Until next time,

-Jethro

A Golden Opportunity.

Reading articles like this piss me the fuck off. In fact, they almost piss me off enough to load up my .22 and go look for the parents of these kids. So in a sense, the parents are the manufacturers of what drove me to go shoot them.

“Mr Thompson said if manufacturers wanted to keep selling violent games to children, they should be prepared for the consequences he believes repeated playing can have on young and impressionable minds.”

First of all, Mr. Fuck-wad, manufacturers don’t sell video games- they make them; retailers sell them. I can’t believe you are a lawyer.

Second of all, you piece of shit parents, video games are no different than movies. They are a form of entertainment and have ratings (just like PG-13, R, etc.) Most retailers won’t sell violent-rated games to kids- so the chances are you either bought the kids these games, or you knew he was playing them.

I still cannot believe that people are actually pointing to video game developers for their own fuck-ups as parents- so I have developed my own conclusion:

“Hey kids. Here’s a rifle, now take it down the street and start shooting at cars. You’re going to go to jail for a couple of years, but by the time you get out, we’ll have sued the makers of those violent video games you play, and we’ll all come out millionaires.”

Honestly though, I think the victims (and the families) of the shootings should sue the parents for everything they have.

I hate to keep brining up Penny Arcade, but you must see these.

Five

Six

Next, that famous actor and that singer-girl broke up or something. Didn’t see that one coming. Oh wait, that’s right- they are just one of those media couples who hook-up just to get publicity and boost their careers. The hype over this thing makes me want to puke. In other striking news, I’m eating cheese nips and they’re good.

Looks like the hurricane is going to turn north (even though right now it’s still heading straight for my porch.) I was kind of hoping to get a 6-month paid vacation from work. Oh well- I guess we should all hope it misses US landfall completely. Isabell is one mean bitch.

I would like to welcome TBall, (the second half of the double-douce here) aboard. He was supposed to be here a long time ago, but I’ve just now gotten around to setting him up. He is my partner and my nemesis here on Everything Whatsoever. Welcome TBall.

Until next time,

-Jethro

So yeah, if you guys don’t see me at the end of next week. It’s probably because my house is somewhere off the coast of Liberia or something.

My good buddy at the Weather Channel just informed me that Isabella is now a Category 5 hurricane, with sustained winds of 160mph- gusts over 200mph. It’s not so much the wind practically leveling my house that would suck- but my entire island would be under around 28 feet of water from the storm surge. Here’s some interesting maps:

Map 1
Map 2
Map 3

Yeah, basically where you see the different colors is how far submerged my area would be under water depending on the category (color) of the hurricane.

I think I’m going to wait to evacuate until the crazy Weather Channel guy is on TV right before the hurricane hits, standing out on Tybee Island beach getting hit by small boats and or docks. As he’s out there on live TV telling the world how bravely insane he is, I’m going to run up behind him screaming at the top of my lungs “HOLY FUCK!!! WE’RE ALL GONA DIE!!! WE’RE ALL GONA DIE!!!” I’m about due for a few seconds of fame anyways.

Until next time, live from a motel somewhere where we aren’t under 30 feet of water,

-Jethro

So I was working on a logo today for this contract and as I was making a general grid to manipulate, I stumbled across a cool little illusion.

Illusion

Sit, so that your eyes are about 2 feet away from the monitor. Focus your eyes on one of the cross points (intersections) within the squares and look at the little pinpoint it makes. Then switch to another random crosspoint. Try to switch focus on a different random intersection each second. Notice that a lot of the out of focus cross points will speckle around filling with empty black “pinholes” inside the intersection.

So I’m a student employee at the US Army Corps of Engineers. I hate my job. Okay, that has nothing to do with the situation at hand, but sometimes it just comes out of me. Anyways, this semester I decided that rather than going to school and working at the same time, I would just work full-time this semester, then go to school full-time next semester. I was told by about five or six different people that handle my paperwork / work schedule that this was possible. Last month I went up a GS level which basically means I got a raise. When I questioned what most people would call “Payroll” why the raise wasn’t being reflected on my pay check, I unknowingly stirred up a whole nest of Federal Government Paper Nazis (FGPN) Well today I come to work, and two of those people (one via person, one via phone call) tell me that I need to come up with some kind of proof that I’m going to school next semester, or I will be “layed off, due to unqualification.” Proof… Proof that I’m going to college… let’s see, oh wait, there is no fucking proof of whether or not you will attend school 5 months before the semester even starts. That’s just the way it works. The only “proof” is if you are registered for clases, (which you could still either drop, not attend, or pay for) and registrations don’t start until about a month before the semester- (end of November / December) so I’m pretty much shit out of luck. What really pleased me most upon hearing the news, was the recollection of all six people who told me that I could work full-time without going to school with no problems, fine. In fact, I’m planning on making it a point to go and thank them all today for figuring that out for me when I originally asked. “Thanks guys.” I thought about quitting right there and causing some sort of ruckus, I thought about which way I could screw them over the most, and I also thought about how the hell I was going to afford living next semester when this job was supposed to support my living costs for that time. Before I went any further in my dark though process, I went over to what most people would call “Personel” and had a chat. And they gave me an alternative. Here’s a short summary:

Personel : “Congratulations on your promotion Jethro.”
Jethro : “Thank you.”
Personel : “Before you get your raise we are going to need some proof you are going to school next semester.”
Jethro : “Uh, there really is no way for me, or anyone for that matter, to proove I’m going to school next semester.”
Personel : “Oh. In that case, you’re fired.”
Jethro : “But you just promoted me.”
Personel : “Yes but we thought you were going to school next semester.”
Jethro : “I am… look, the only proof anyone has of going to school is their word. Anyone can enroll in school, anyone can register, and anyone can make plans to go to school- but there is NO proof that they are going to go… there aren’t contracts or anything.”
Personel : *pauses for moment* “So yeah, we’re going to need some proof that you are going to school next emester.”

*goes to College*

Advisor : “So basically you want me to write that you are going to school next semester?”
Jethro : “Yeah pretty much.”
Advisor : “I guess it really is true what they say about the Corps of Engineers.”
Jethro : “Tell me about it- oh, could you put it on College letter-head?”
Advisor : “Sure.”

*starts writing on College letterhead*

————————————-
Dear Corps of Engineers,

Jethro told me he was going to school next semester.

-Advisor.
————————————-

The funny thing is, it worked.

Penny Arcade made a statement today that I think is absolutely awesome, and will go down in my notepad of various quotes.

If Penny Arcade has taught me anything, it’s that regular human beings cannot read and interpret legal documents - it looks like English, but it is actually a new mathematics which can pierce, yea, even unto the fifth dimension. So even if it says something that seems obvious, remember that it’s somebody’s whole job to make it look really stupid…

Until next time,

-Jethro

So CNN interviewed Britney a few days after the MTV Video Music Awards (which I refuse to watch every year.)

You can view the entire article here.

Here are some comment-worthy excerpts I pulled from it:

When asked if she would “do it again,” she squealed, “No, I would not do it,” but then added, “Maybe with Madonna.”

When asked about how her image has changed from when she was a squeaky clean Mouseketeers, Spears said, “I think I’m still clean living. I mean I don’t go home and have orgies or anything like that.”

The singer said she is just “performing and expressing myself.” She also believes that by fulfilling her own dreams and having fun doing it, she is inspiring her fans.

….

Spears avoided the political pot hole that other entertainers have fallen into when she was asked about whether she supported the war in Iraq.

“Honestly, I think we should just trust our president in every decision that he makes and we should just support that,” she said.

….

When asked what else she watched, she said, “Oh CNN – all the time, all the time.”

I almost feel like I don’t even need to say anything about this interview. I hope to god that anyone reading it realized how completely and utterly ignorant and just plain stupid Britney Spears is. I mean, I know people make fun of her all the time for being ditzy, just based on the sheer fact that she is a hot “bubble gum” singer, but seriously, look what she says…

So I’m going to anyways:

—
When asked if she would “do it again,” she squealed, “No, I would not do it,” but then added, “Maybe with Madonna.”
—

Would you kiss Madonna again?

“No I would not / Maybe with Madonna.” Wow you really prepared yourself for that question Britney. I guess I can understand though. They put you on the spot. Who in god’s name would have ever thought that question would come up after you made out with Madonna?

—
When asked about how her image has changed from when she was a squeaky clean Mouseketeers, Spears said, “I think I’m still clean living. I mean I don’t go home and have orgies or anything like that.”
—

So basically by “still” you mean what you said a couple of years ago in your quote “I think I’m an appropriate role-model for young girls.” I guess you’re right. Well, that’s assuming that young girls don’t watch you on TV, or buy your albums, or see your pictures in magazines.

I would bet money that if a higly-budgeted and thorough experiment was performed, one could proove that Britney and Christina have a direct relationship to the increase of society’s teen-pregnancy, rape, average age of “first times” for girls, and the overall sluttiness of our society.

—
The singer said she is just “performing and expressing myself.” She also believes that by fulfilling her own dreams and having fun doing it, she is inspiring her fans.
—

Inspire!?!? Inspire them to do what?!?! I also love the key terms in that sentance (perform, express, fulfill, dreams, having fun doing it) -sounds like the title to one of the dozens of spam emails I get any given day. Please explain to me how making out with Madonna in front of millions of 14 year old girls, with the pure intention to start a huge entertainment roar is “expressing yourself.” At least Madonna admits she is a dirty, dirty human being.

—
“Honestly, I think we should just trust our president in every decision that he makes and we should just support that,” she said.
—

I’m not one of those anti-whoever-the-current-president-is-because-it’s-the-cool-thing-to-do people, but even I know that being a part of a democracy is not about supporting every single decision your president makes. Then again, who am I to judge you? You watch CNN all the time…

I think at this point, the only thing that could save society from Britney is if she were to develop a cocaine addiction. She would stop eating and become grossly thin, extremely pale, and sick-looking. After it got out of hand, she would be forced (by law) to attend rehabilitation. She would come out clean, but due to stress and withdrawl, would engage in a 3 month period of staight eating. She would gain eighty pounds. There would be a short reality show based on the life of Britney because that will be the only source of income she could possibly obtain from the entertainment industry. Having gained so much weight, and after enough criticism, Britney would resort back to cocaine again and find herself in jail. Her story would be that of a “girl Michael Jackson” which would devastate her, but at the same time, make her feel proud to be compared to him.

Until next time,

-Jethro